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  • The Endo Monologues

Questioning My Fertility

I'm sitting here, on the chair in my living room pondering what the fuck is currently going on within my body. Or more specifically, within my reproductive organs. This isn't my usual sort of post where I state the facts and the research I've done but rather a reflection of how I've gotten to this point. A point where I'm sat pretty much obsessing over whether or not my ovaries are going to ovulate or whether my uterus is finally going to kick start a period.

Am I rambling? Yes, but I think it's helpful to type out my feelings in a manner of processing them, just like I do every day when I post as Patricia. She has it easy; she rants, she raves, she riots but, she doesn't exist, at least not in a corporeal way. She's a coping mechanism that I've created to deal with the shit storm caused by my endometriosis and adenomyosis. Which leads me to why I'm writing this. I'm not coping, not even a little bit. My days are plagued by uncertainty of what my body will do to me and whether I'm going to tolerate the physical and/or mental pain and if my womb will be able to safely grow a healthy baby.

I guess you could say I'm obsessive about it.

However, this is years in the making, years of being told 'no, no, everything will be fine' and it's not, is it? As I've said previously (click here for my journey in full!), I started my periods when I was eleven years old. The only reason I knew that my periods weren't going to be normal was because my mum told me so (my mother has endometriosis and both my aunt and grandmother suffered with heavy, debilitating periods) and yet doctors told me otherwise. The pill would have no impact on my health, if anything, it would make my life better! My chronic pain and period agony? I just had a thick uterus and it would have no bearing on my fertility! Oh and when I asked if my periods would return to normal as soon as my Mirena IUD came out, I was given a resounding yes.

All utter bullshit.

Don't get me wrong, I have had one period since my Mirena came out last October but in total I have been on hormonal birth control for 16 years non-stop. 10 years of the combined contraceptive pill and just under 6 with the Mirena, plus I was had a chemically induced menopause courtesy of Zoladex in preparation for my second laparoscopy. The latter two were phenomenal in managing my endometriosis symptoms and I'm thankful that they worked for me but now I'm starting to wonder at what cost it came at.

I also haven't realised what the cost is of having a baby. As a result of making the decision that my partner and I are going to try to conceive I've obviously had my Mirena taken out which has meant my main pain management option has gone. Furthermore, I found out last week that I can no longer take CBD or THC due to the risks they pose when trying to conceive and when pregnant, so that's my second pain management option gone. Already I'm in so much pain. I cry myself to sleep, I wake up because my whole body feels like it's on fire. My ovaries are in a permanent state of feeling swollen and throbbing and my uterus, bloody hell my uterus! She's spasming, searing and she makes me feel so ill.

And yet, I remain hopeful. I'm seeking out medical advice, I'm looking into getting fertility testing done to see what the hell is going on with my ovarian reserve, hormones and my reproductive health in general but that in itself is terrifying. What if something comes back wrong? Of course, you have to deal with whatever life throws at you but that doesn't make it any less scary. I'm also tracking my ovulation but that's a bloody maze too. Are the lines clear? Is it just a shadow? Has my tracking app picked it up accurately? Who fucking knows.

My heart goes out to anyone dealing with this because it sucks.

My game plan for now is to get my fertility health up to standard, I'm on the folic acid, taking preconception vitamins and I'm purchasing ovulation trackers (which I'll be reviewing, if people are interested! I'd hate for people to waste money on conception products that are as much use as a chocolate teapot...) If I still don't have a period next month I'll get myself to the doctors but apart from that, it's a waiting game.

So why this post? Partly a way for me to vent my feelings but also a way of showing you that you're not alone. Because you're not and we will get through this...

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